A g33k's Love Letter

#include (chocolates)

Imports Roses.*;

Imports Music.Jazz.*;

Class Love($babe)

{

They say love is as simple as a,b,C

but the love I got 4 u is complicated, double it lyk C++,

so many PHPs, dey r d Player Hating Peeps,

*yimu* notin for dem jor, their bullshit is cascading lyk CSS.

You are my gem of inestimable Value; my PERL(pearl),

I'm tougher than diamonds, stop putting d RUBY ON RAILS,

got more ADD-ONs than FIREFOX, viagra has no shit on me.

Sipping on my starbucks coz my game tighter than JAVA.

Please tell Alicia to use the right key, C#(Csharp)

Tell my baby she is the one, the only language my MACHINE undastands

I am tired of playing, I am droppin my PAD, no more ADAs in my lyf.

Honey, the truth you see is Basic (VISUAL BASIC)

Whether na One Naira or One COBOL(KOBO), baby you got me

I dont need an ORACLE to tell me u r my baby mama

with this love as ANTIVIRUS, our future together is SECURE.

You are the Final Desitination, no SQL(Sequel) needed.

Return myLove;

}

N.B. To run the program call the Class Love(Insert Your Name), Cute ladies only please....lmao

e.g. Love(I Don't Get It)

Vote Wisely

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday WE were campaigning. Today, YOU voted.."

Welcome to 2011

Still on the matter!...where is 2010?...Its dead and buried, and like
the phoenix 2011 rises outta the ashes. The death of 2010 giving birth
to 2011. I agree 2010 is gone but I would be claimin amnesia for me to forget
the events in the year.

Memories of 2010 was a very sweet one garnished with some bitter spots,
but all in all, it was a great one.

Otondoship was sweet, even with the meagre allawee, Life was still
beautiful, and Retiring from 'Kopadorm' to my own farm(lyk d one in
Otta) was a nice idea, but uneasy lies the head that wears the crown
ask Ire, Femi n Dave dey would tell u who d last jatropha bender is.
CCNA almost said Nay, until SAP came in tryin to Zap all the
nutrients,But Jah came to my rescue ASAP, and ABAP had to join its
slain colleagues, Glory be to God coz together we made it, even tho we
had our backs against the Wall. We are survivors, here comes 2011.

May the month of January be our janitor, Opening the doors to our fame
and fortune, blessings and breakthru, then closing the door on
misfortune, failure and their likes.

His banner over us in February would be Love, even our enemies would
love us enough to bless us, yeah Favour 4rm God and all Men.
We gonna March into our promised land, breaking in leaps and bounds,
discoverin new terrains and blazing trails

Believe me April will not make a fool of us, coz He that is with us is
greater than He that is in the World. May is not goin to be a probablility, coz it is a sure thang " IT IS WELL".

No jonzin in June coz d Lord would supply all our needs in July, Y'all
be ready to host dem August visitors,coz dey are bringin good tidings.
The traffic light is goin green in the 'ember' month, coz we are tired
of seeing the amber light.


its 1-11-11, soon it wld b 11-1-11, then it wld be 1-11-11 and then 11
-11-11.....So many ones, it jst means we'll be NUMERO UNO in all our
endeavours...happy nw yr people.


Lemme say a very very big thank you to every one who featured in the season 2010 of BamBam's Memoir, Let's do it again in 2011.

P.S... No kele kele love in 2011 o....#YouKnowYourself

My G33k Friend

I once had a friend whose best friends were aliens. My friend cant remember where is hometown is but he knows at least 4000 planets in the universe. He cant speak Yoruba but C++, .NET,Java, Elvish etc are the best languages ever.

I typed ai(alright), he said Artificial Intelligence, I told him I'll BRB, he called the Biometric Research Board(BRB) to ask after me. I told him I was cooler than him, my friend brought out his thermometer.
My Sister hung a DND sign on her door, he asked what kinda of firewall we were running, my sister was lyk duh!, he asked me if she stammers!

His girlfriend saw his dirty socks and shouted eeeew, he asked her where she saw a female sheep(EWE), I told him I dont give a fuck, He said " me too, I am still a virgin", Dude dt's nt wot I meant, I am gardener u know and ur sister is my hoe, he advised me to get a tractor.

Friend: Bambam, I've been seeind dis word 4 a while, wot is d meaning of IDK
Me: I dont Know
Friend: Nobody seems to know... I think I would ask the Jedi Masters
Me: k
Friend: What has potassium got to do with this?
Me: ehn...kmt jor
Friend: I dont understand you again o, Kinetic Molecular Technology????
Me: ah....I cant help but LOL
Friend: It is a lie, you play league of Legends?
Me: wot??????...lwkmd for here o
Friend: lwkmd, they are all consonants are you sure it's a dictionary word, maybe it's in the scrabble dictionary sha

I almost choked while laughing, so we would have to continue later....

To be continued.....

HOPE

Even tho it is not in sight
I am positive, the future is bright,
Its not by my power not nor by my might
It is Jah, who would win the Fight

Groping in this Darkness, I need His light
Shining in my path, as I make it through the Heights
Tho the weeping may endure for a night
His joy would come in d morning, as I fly my Kite

Tractors, Trees and Ploughs, All you see is a messed up site,
yea, those r my estates, You are welcome to the Bight of Bambam
Tho the story now would barely take 5minutes to write
The Biography would be in excess of Petabytes

Onward xtian soldiers Marching, Left Right, Left Right
Our sweat and strength we give, even out widows mite
Helpless & Hungry, Mosquitoes feed fat on us after each bite
But our Hope is golden, By the Grace of God it would all be Right

P.S. You are wearing my watch coz it's my Time

Dreaming with Malaria

Dreams can be crazy, especially when malaria has a hand and a foot in it. Fancy the dream I had last night. It was so scary it made a horror film look like a routine Lagos traffic jam. I woke up sweating and decided it was time to see the doctor.I dreamt that Senator Ahmed Yerima was elected the President of Nigeria. He settled into Aso Rock and introduced a thirteen year old, Fatima, as his wife and First Lady of Nigeria. That instantly posed a problem for the media which did not know whether Nigeria had a First Child or First Lady. Opinion was divided, but Ray Ekpu of Newswatch stepped in and decided that the media should hold a national conference and take a common position on how to address the President’s teen wife so as not to embarrass the President. The Nobel laureate Prof. Wole Soyinka maintained that to be grammatically correct, we should not address a child as a lady and asserted with authority that a “lady” is a term used to address “mature women” not “children.” He argued that she should remain a “First Child until further notice.”But the People’s Democratic Party maintained that the problem was not grammatical but political. To which famous lawyer, Chief Femi Falana pointed out that the “child” in question was not of voting age and as such should not impose a political burden on the country. He maintained that the nation should assume that the President had no legal wife or in the alternative ask him to produce another wife worthy of being addressed as a First Lady and who was of voting age.We were still trying to solve the matter when we heard that some civil right groups had taken the matter to the court to annul the marriage and let the child go back to school. We told them to hold on that the child was still in school and will actually be a part time First Child or First Lady and part time student. The case was dropped. We would have rested the matter there but guess what? Along came Prof. Dora Akunyili (I mean Prof Dora Akunyili again!) and said she had it on good authority that Her Excellency was still bed-wetting. She said it would do great damage to her rebranding exercise and wondered “how you could rebrand a country when the First Lady was busy wetting beds abroad.”The Federal Ministry of Health responded promptly that it had developed drugs which could take care of bed-wetting, but if the drugs were not okay, then the First Lady could use catheter in the night and not wet beds in presidential guest houses abroad. Everyone was relieved but guess what? The Central Bank came charging that such money would not be charged to any budgetary item and would amount to an extra-budgetary expenditure and fraud. The Economic and Financial Crimes Commission agreed and said the National Assembly should approve a “Bed-wetting allowance” for the president, before any fund was drawn. They noted that if the man were to travel as much as President Olusegun Obasanjo did, then it would add to the national inflation and would be difficult to justify based on existing financial regulations.Well the debate was still raging when we heard that President Barrack Obama was coming to Nigeria on a state visit and would be accompanied by his wife, Michele. Civil liberties organizations swung into action and tried to persuade the American Embassy to postpone the trip until the “First Lady” issue was resolved. But the Embassy said the visit was part of a tour of strategic African states and Nigeria was amongst the most important in Africa. Obama actually came and was met on the tarmac by President Yerima with his wife, Fatima, in tow. Obama thought Her Execllency, Mrs Fatima Yeriama, was the garland girl and bent down to have her hang a garland on his neck. Her Excellency on the other hand thought differently in the innocence of her childlike heart, and thought he was bending down to admire her dress. She giggled and said, “Isn’t this a very wonderful dress? It is the same color with my undies.” Michele laughed heartily and picked up Her Excellency in her hands, stroking her head. I nearly fainted! She turned to President Yerima and said, “This should be your beautiful daughter, where is her mother -your wife?” To which President Yerima looked at her stunned, not knowing what to say. The American ambassador to Nigeria stepped in and saved the situation, “Mrs. Obama, that is the President’s wife that you are carrying in your hands. You may wish to put her down beside her husband so that the reception will continue.”The Nigerian First Lady who had been struggling to get out of Michele’s hands, looked up indignantly at the American First Lady, said, “I will not be your friend again. Only my husband carries me up and you dared to carry me up.”President Obama stroked his tie thoughtfully and said, “Let us not have a diplomatic row over this, I forgot to tell Michele that in Africa you catch them young. It is entirely my fault. My apologies to the First Couple. And now Mr President can we proceed to other reception formalities?”Soon the airport reception was over and the two First Ladies had to while away time while the Presidents discussed matters of state. Mrs Yerima insisted on showing Mrs Obama her toys and her grades in school. The other women stood idly by as one baby doll after the other was shown to Mrs Obama. “My husband bought this toy for me from China, she can even sing, let me play it for you.” Mrs Obama nodded.Her Excellency Fatima hit the button and the doll began to sing, “God damn America the great Satan, down with the infidels and down with the west…” Mrs. Obama cringed but the child paid her no heed.She bounded over to the television and turned it on. Then she moved the dial to Cartoon Network and turned to Mrs Obama, “Do you watch Tom and Jerry?” But by this time Mrs Obama had fainted and had to be flown back to America. I was filing the report to my editor when my wife woke me up and said it was time to take my anti-malaria drug. [Ha HA Ha Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The Beacon of Hope

When things get overly dramatic and you find yourself as the main cast in a horror movie. Prancing about in a haunted mansion, shouting at the top of your voice, calling out for help only to realize you are OYO. You remember you were once a Christian and in your plight throw your hands towards heaven, praying frantically for the cup to pass over you. I SURRENDER ALL you wail in your distress, help me out of this God and I would never go back into the world.

Did you just see a beam of light?...Oh Thank God help at last, you grope towards the source of light only to discover that it was coming from the blood thirsty sword of the tormentor!

Events of the past week has defied all plausible explanations and has looked more like a nightmare, I have pinched myself so many times and yes it hurts but I am Awake not the Jehovah witnesses Mag tho(cc @verbalreasoning) .

The windows partition on my machine crashed coz of the dreaded Black Screen Of Death(BSOD), after a lot of troubleshooting and all I noticed I would have to do an upgrade. So i tried organizing the DVD i was going to use, on my way to a friend's place to pick up the DVD, I mysteriously lost one of my phones.

Shit happens jor...Another one would come!, Funny enough the DVD i collected would not even boot!..double wahala she?.

Monday and Tuesday came with their own wahala, I got home around 11pm(Man must wack now), Even though I was trying to watch my spendings I just joined Rick Ross as we Blew Money Fast..smh. I am currently preparing for an exam, so early Friday morning say around 4 a.m., I woke up to check my books o, I was thirsty and had to take a glass of water, Me i dunno wot happened sha o, My lappy just decided to contest with Michael Phelps in swimming, see water on top motherboard...AH in dis recession all @ once....GOD dey sha

The crux of errytin was on saturday, After counting and recounting the money in my wallet, (Secretly prayin that it should multiply), After normal omo boi hustle that day, I was heading back home, At Oshodi, I was doing my own jeje o, na im I just hear gbam from back, one morrafucka don jack my bag, my phone is gone.. I wan cry...mehn!, dt wz my machine o, my Phone ...arrgh, Men I nearly ran mad. I wan pursue d guy (bad Idea)

I was lamenting, why me? and why now? and the answer came almost immediately, (I accepted my fate o, tho my heart was still bruised), I wanted to board the bus home, there and then a big bus lost a tyre and skidded off the road, a woman fell off the bus and hit her head on the tarred road and it all dawned on me.

I am still alive, I am still breathing, when there is life there is hope, however bleak the future looks, the future is mine and mine to make. #Gbam My future is so bright you would need shades to look. If I lyk I could buy Apple Inc and cross breed with Microsoft, or lyk Larry Ellison become the Oracle of the Silicon valley, becoming so hot that I could give the SUN a tan.

#bottomLine it is a setback for a comeback. so 4 now, i dnt av a phone o, if dre is any contract for me o, I need money badly, my email neva change, ayallurs@yahoo.co.uk. #redEye

P.S. My pastor believes there is no Punishment without a sin, i'm still wonderin sha

Behold the Lord's hand is not shortened that he cannot save, neither his ear heavy that he cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated between you and your God